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Secret Scrimmage Highlights

I know you've read all the news clippings and the Twitter posts and seen the pictures and the video from USF's scrimmage at One Buc Place today. Well, I'm here to tell you it was a total lie. They didn't scrimmage against each other. They actually practiced against the Bucs themselves. Of course, no one can tell you about it because it would break about a million NCAA rules if the truth ever got out and the whole team would probably end up being ruled ineligible. But what the hell, it's a good story.

This is what went down, as we hear it:

- The whole thing almost went bust when the USF players came off the bus wearing green and gold scarves. But it was all a misunderstanding because they're merely the team's colors, and Doug Woolard quickly assured the Bucs that it had nothing to do with English soccer.


- Byron Leftwich came in for some reps. Since this was a no-QB-contact drill, the refs started blowing the whistle as soon as he got the ball from under center.


- Sabby Piscitelli was beaten by the following people on pass routes: Ed Alcin, Jason Sherman, Tyler Stowell, Corey Jackson, Jeff Hawkins, Victor Mark, Evan Landi, Aston Samuels, Bradley Battles, Dontavia Bogan, Jared Greenaway, Lindsey Lamar, Daniel Bryant, Patrick Richardson, Andrew Ketchel, Andreash Shields, Chase Boswell, Mark Popek (on a sweet tackle-eligible play), Jovaughn Harris, Jamar Taylor, Demetris Murray,  Mo Plancher, Edward Williams,  Derrick Hopkins, A.J. Love, Jeffrey Wilson, Victor Marc, Faron Hornes, Bermanley Augustin, Sterling Griffin, Jonny Sitton, Joel Miller, Richard Kelly, Maikon Bonani, Larry Scott, Skip Holtz, Lou Holtz (on the same tackle-eligible play), Chris Freet, Gregg Becnel, Gary Shelton, Tom McEwen, and Rocky the mascot. The Bucs promptly gave Piscitelli a five-year, $27 million extension.


- The Bucs tried an end around for Michael Clayton, who dropped the handoff. He put his hands on his hips and pouted and sulked his way to the sidelines talking about how at least he was still getting paid. He forgot that it was a live ball and the Bulls recovered.


- Raheem Morris called two time outs in a row, figuring that the play they would run afterwards would be twice as awesome. The Bucs returned to the field and plowed Cadillac Williams into the line for no gain.


- Jerramy Stevens took the team aside and in an emotional speech, he told them to stop messing around with the license-related crimes - he's living proof that they can do much worse things in college and still make it in the NFL.


- Jeremy Trueblood led a seminar on picking up senseless 15-yard drive-killing penalties. Afterwards the players said he didn't tell them anything they hadn't learned from watching Jerome Murphy during last year's Cincinnati game.


- Jon Gruden watched the scrimmage while hiding behind some bushes and howled with laughter like Larry Miller's character in Necessary Roughness as his old team was getting pulverized.


- Marc Dile told his former teammates that this Bucs team is the best team he's ever played on, but not by much.


- Thanks to the excellent spy work turned in by Barrett Ruud, B.J. Daniels was held to 278 yards rushing.


- Bryan and Joel Glazer were thwarted in their attempt to shave another $60 million off the payroll when the NCAA told them they cannot put USF players in Bucs uniforms and run them out there on Sundays, even if they don't pay them.


- A USF blogger and Bucs fan who threw $400 down a rabbit hole last year to watch that crappy team on Sunday Ticket made up a bunch of snarky events that did not actually take place.