Our Ideas To Replace UConn In The American, All Of Which Are Bad

This morning, news broke that UConn is giving up on ever being good at football giving up on ever rejoining a power conference about to return to the Big East. It’s what their fans have wanted for a long time, and to be honest it’s what most other fans in The American have wanted too, because we’re sick and tired of hearing them whine and blame us for their situation. Like it’s all our faults you wasted so much time and effort on your hopeless football team? Like it’s all our faults that Jim Calhoun was your entire men’s basketball program? Please.

Anyway, the league will most likely want a replacement, if not for all sports, then at least for football. We’re sure there are some good, sensible ideas out there. But we’re here for the terrible ideas, like these:

• Just add UNLV already so we can all have road trips to Vegas. Are they good at sports? Don’t care, Vegas. Is the travel convenient? Don’t care, Vegas. Would anyone watch conference games that start at 10:30 on a weeknight? Don’t care, Vegas.
• Hey Vanderbilt, aren’t you tired of having your teeth kicked in by the SEC all the time? Come join us. Sure you’ll get like one-fifth as much TV money, but I mean you’re Vanderbilt, you’re already loaded, you don’t need the money. The American can offer you lots of urban university peers, an in-state rival, a good baseball league, and some other sports. Plus you would have a way better chance of making a New Year’s Six game. Have y’all’s people call our people.
• Round up all the Big XII schools that are dead men walking when their TV deal expires and let’s just get this over with.
• Invite Clemson. What’s the worst that happens, they say no?
• Do whatever Danny White says, because he is very concerned about everyone doing what he thinks is best for the league. By the way, add UConn to the list of schools who have rejected a home and home football series with C.
• Kick ECU out of the league too, to get back to an even number. (I just said this to make the Boneyard lose their shit again over something I wrote. Maybe that nice old lady who stalked me at work a couple years ago will get back in touch!)
• We endorse Ryan Nanni’s idea too:

• I wonder if that offer to Villanova from a few years ago is still on the table?
• Seriously, go get UNLV.

UPDATE: The worst idea of all

• Take a page from Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal’s fantasy football league. There are 11 owners, but only 10 spots in the league, and at the draft the defending champion gets to kick a team of their choosing out of the league for the year. Imagine the drama and intrigue at the clambake in Newport! Would C kick USF out to spite them, or would the temptation of beating them on the field again mean the Bulls are kept around? Would a lousy team like ECU or Tulsa be axed, or would the champ try to remove their biggest contender? Now, the team that gets booted would still play the games they’ve been scheduled... they wouldn’t be shut down completely. They just wouldn’t count as conference games, and the team wouldn’t be eligible to win the title.

Please share your own ridiculous ideas in the comments. I guess we can talk about good ideas too.