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Potential USF Football Coaching Candidates: Hire Us!

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It would really be better for everyone if USF hired a qualified football coach, while we stick to covering the team. But if they get desperate, we’re willing to serve.

NCAA Football: Central Florida at South Florida Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

In every coaching search, there’s always somebody suggesting ridiculous candidates for the job. Instead of waiting for those wack ideas to come to us, we’re being proactive and bringing our wack ideas to you.


Collin and Jamie (current jobs: managing editors, The Daily Stampede)

Originally we were going to suggest ourselves as interim coaches for USF’s bowl game. But T.J. Weist got that role, and we think everything will be fine for the Birmingham Bowl. So instead, allow us to pitch ourselves as the “if all else fails” candidates.

OUR CREDENTIALS:

  • Almost seven years covering USF football, sometimes seriously.
  • We have watched a lot of college football.
  • Like, a LOT of college football.
  • We clearly are knowledgable based on our success in the “Protect Your Unit” fake gambling game on The Daily Stampede dot com.
  • Jamie has been playing college football video games all the way back to Bill Walsh College Football on the Super Nintendo.
  • He won five national titles in a row in an NCAA Football 13 dynasty before his PlayStation 3 ate the saved file.
  • Collin worked in the Athletics office for a few years, greatly reducing the need for employee orientation and meet-and-greets with key stakeholders.
  • We’re both USF alums (if that matters).
  • We are very, very affordable.

OFFENSIVE PHILOSOPHY, by Jamie:

  • I’m going to keep spreading it out and going fast. Maybe even faster than Taggart was going. I don’t care if we run for 400 yards or pass for 400 yards, but we’re keeping the offense wide open. Even the victory formation stays in the shotgun.
  • Figure out who my best players are and let them eat. I’ll get the other guys in the game enough to keep them from transferring, but if I have a wide receiver who’s much better than anyone else I have, guess who’s getting 150 targets in the passing game that year.
  • GADGETS. SO MANY GADGETS. Reverses, halfback options, double passes, flea flickers, the Emory & Henry formation... they’re all in the playbook and I’m going to use them.
  • If the play clock’s running down and we’re not ready to run a play, I’m taking the delay of game penalty. Every time. It’s college football - you mean to tell me we can’t make up those five yards? Timeouts are for two-minute drills, stopping coverage busts before they happen, and getting the ball back at the end of the game if we need it.
  • If my quarterback throws a 2-yard pass on 3rd and 10 I will bench him. We’re here to pick up the first down, son.
  • If we win the coin toss before the game, we’re taking the ball. None of this defer crap. I want you down 7-0 before your offense even sees the field.

DEFENSIVE PHILOSOPHY, by Collin:

  • We will A-gap blitz about 70% of downs. Edge blitz on 30% of downs. This will leave USF exposed to outside runs (surprise!) and crossing routes. DON'T CARE!! Some outside runs can still get strung out because of team speed, but when we do get home they'll get behind the chains and they're screwed. Do you think Bob Diaco or Willie Fritz has a play ready for 3rd and 15? Absolutely not. That’s two wins right there.
  • Under my leadership, USF will never, ever rush less than four players after the quarterback. Ever. Under any circumstances. If for some reason this happens, I will immediately tender my resignation.
  • If your quarterback can beat us with deep outs over my DBs that WILL NOT LET A WIDEOUT CROSS THEIR FACE INSIDE EVER OR THEY WILL BE BENCHED UNTIL THE END OF TIME, God bless you. We're going to lose. But that's not gonna happen.
  • If none of the above works, I will not be afraid to scrap all of it and try something new. Let's go crazy. You've never seen every DB blitz before, have you? WELL GET TO A USF GAME SPORTS FANS!
  • I might be the defensive coordinator of this team, but I will make Jamie start calling some middle screens and shallow crossing routes. Tough for Q to see over the line, but when they get hit they'll go forever.

ALSO, THIS:

  • We're from the internet, so basically we don't punt. Ever. 4th and 5 from the opponent’s 40? RPO! 4th and 10 from our own 40? Zone read! 4th and 20 from our own 5? OK, this ain't Madden, we'll kick. But that's about it.
  • We’re not settling for cheap field goals either. If it’s 4th and 2 at the 6-yard line, we’re going for it.
  • We promise lots of good nuggets for reporters in press conferences, and colorful quotes slandering our rivals for the fans.

Does all this sound good? You know where to reach us, USF.